Some of our work numbers are regularly targeted, plagued by unsolicited callers wanting to talk about a recent motor vehicle accident. I've been spared, luckily. Until today.

A colleague politely hung up on one… and then my phone rang.

It:

"Hello, this is [unintelligible name, company name] calling about your accident."

Me:

"What's the name of the company?"

It:

"Hello, this is [unintelligible name, company name] calling about your accident."

Me, rather louder than I intended to:

"Listen: go fuck yourself."

And then I replaced the handset, carefully, aware of an unaccountable increase in the hubbub, the level of mirth around me.

As a spectacle, not much, I'm mindful of being in work. I've done better…

Some time ago (I may already have written about this) I was unlucky enough to pick up at home; someone telling me my router has a virus. Yeah.

I began by insulting him, calling him a parasite, the usual insults I usually keep to myself when my family is with me. Interestingly, it went a bit downhill towards the end as he traded insults with me.

Here goes.

Me:

"Listen, your name really isn't 'Mike' is it."

It:

"No, you couldn't pronounce my name."

Me:

"Go on then, I've a few Asian friends who aren't bottom-feeding parasites like you, go on, give me a try."

It:

"[Utterly fucking unintelligible name.]"

Me:

"Ok, 'Mike, you got me th"

And then I replaced the handset, carefully, aware of an evening of the score, a stalemate.

Yeah.